I'm coming to the conclusion that the next few months are going to be hard for me; perhaps a lot harder than I expected. I drove down to Ben's place in Sherman Oaks yesterday afternoon, to stay with him for a month while we try to sell his house, and find one of our own. It will be our first big test of domesticity. We survived three weeks together on the cruise; well, in fact, we flourished together during those weeks. But there was the stimulus of a fascinating, romantic ever-changing environment, and little in the way of routine. Here, living together in Ben's house in the Valley, we'll be going to work, and coming home to ... what ... dinner and TV?

Taking a rest break on my drive down to LA yesterday

Well, that journal entry was interrupted by Ben calling from home, after he'd arrived from work, wondering where I was. Our first domestic work day, and I wasn't home to greet him. Actually, I kind of did that on purpose. I'm in a very dry patch at work right now - I have nothing at all to do, and so I spend most of Friday at Ben's place, feeling kind of like a housewife. I wasn't sure what time Ben was coming home, and I didn't want to be waiting for him, as if my whole life revolved around him, so I took off for Starbucks. Slightly neurotic behavior, perhaps, but indicative of my current state of mind, which is displacement, confusion, fear, you name it.

Ben's beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog, Brewster, begging for food "Ben's beautiful Bernese Mountain Dog, Brewster, begging for food"

Why oh why am I so mixed up right now? I've been seeing myself, over the past few weeks, becoming more and more anxious, and vulnerable, and I was seriously beginning to think I had some kind of mental illness. I talked it over with my therapist last week, and it was a very useful conversation. She says that I tend to pathologize things; that I take sharp judgements on myself; that I generally don't take into account the whole picture when I'm assessing my mental state.

The big picture is that I'm giving up a way of life in San Francisco that has taken me twelve years to set up. In San Francisco I exist in an infrastructure of friends, acquaintances, and an infinite number of small relationships with people I just nod to on the street, or say hello to in stores and restaurants. I know the Castro intimately: it's my neighborhood, and I've a history in San Francisco. I'm giving that all up to move into a city I barely know, and where I have few friends. My whole daily regime will be brand new, with none of the sense of community I've built up in San Francisco. And the only thing that makes any sense about the move is that I'll be living with Ben. On the face of it, it's a huge risk, and that, according to my therapist, is why I'm so anxious. I hope she's right, because if that's the case then my anxieties should die down once I settle in here in Los Angeles.

The very first day we were together, I felt that something was different. Now there's not the sense of one of us leaving in two or three days, so there's a corresponding diminution in the urgency of our interactions. In other words, the honeymoon is over. I even have a key to Ben's house now. I'd been fearing this moment for quite a while; the honeymoon was so wonderful; how will quiet domesticity compare? Well, I've had four days to experience it now, and it hasn't been as bad as I feared. I do miss the excitement and passion of the separation/reunion stage of our relationship, but in place of that, I'm beginning to see, is a sense of true companionship. The comfort of coming home to somebody who's glad to see you, and wants to hear about your day. And the truth is that we still very much enjoy each other's company. For my part, I feel Ben is the kind of guy who everybody wants to spend time with, and aren't I the lucky one who gets to take him home every day.

So it's been a bit of a roller-coaster, and I'm looking forward to things leveling out. The move is beginning to take on more and more of a reality. Although Ben still hasn't sold his house, which means we can't start looking for a new one, we've pretty much decided that I'll pack up my stuff in San Francisco and put it in storage, then I'll move down to live with him here. So it seems my days in San Francisco are even more numbered than I'd thought.