Photo by Joson

Our weekend did not go exactly to plan. The symphony on Friday was fine. Gehry's Walt Disney Hall was even more beautiful than I expected, the exterior at least (the interior I found disappointing). After the concert we walked round the building, and it's a delight to the eyes, with swooping, metal clad curves. I felt like I was walking around the hull of the Starship Enterprise. The concert itself was satisfying, although we were too far away from the stage to get the full effect of the opening to Also Sprach Zarathustra.

On Saturday morning we got up pretty late. It was noticeably cooler than the last time I was in LA, and we took sweatshirts with us for the first time, when we went to the 24-Hour Fitness in Hollywood. Afterwards, we walked over to Borders and had lunch in their cafe, running into Albert, ne of our friends (it's easier for me to call the people I've gotten to know through Ben "our" friends rather then Ben's friends, since that's how it's beginning to feel). (By the way, the chances of running into somebody you know on the street anywhere in LA except on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood are next to zero.)

Every time I've been down to LA over the past few months, my good friend John Paul has been out-of-town. In fact, it's happened so frequently that I'd begun to wonder whether he was trying to avoid me. But finally he was home this weekend, so we arranged to meet up at the Abbey after lunch. John Paul and I have been friends for over a decade now, and it's the first time, of course, in our friendship that I've been in love. So it was very important to me that he meet Ben, and, hopefully, that they'd like each other (though John Paul is a little prickly and not necessarily easy to warm up to). But Ben can charm virtually anybody, and before long they were both chatting up a storm while I lay back in my chair nursing my second cocktail of the afternoon (unusual for me - I scarcely ever drink before the evening).

After lunch, we went to Best Buy in Westwood Village to buy Ben a wireless router for his home (so that I can work at home when I'm visiting him). Now I'm pretty well-versed in computer technology, unlike Ben, so I took the lead in quizzing the sales associate, making sure she understood what we needed. I'm afraid that for the first time ever, I snapped at Ben, when he insisted to the sales associate that my interpretion was incorrect. I just rode right over him. I immediately felt absolutely horrible about it, particularly since it made us look like a quarrelsome couple in front of a stranger. I never want to have that kind of relationship. So as soon as we were free of the salesperson I was profuse in my apologies. Ben has a very thick skin, however, and he accepted my promise that it wouldn't happen again. I still felt terrible though.

After a rest at home, the plan was that we'd get take-out at P.F. Changs then, after eating, go to a birthday party of an acquaintance of Ben's. But while we were waiting for our food to come out, Ben got a phone call from the good friend of his who's been going through a major life crisis for the last few months. Apparently he was almost suicidal. Poor Ben has had so much heartache over this person, because he feels a responsibility for him. So that put paid to our Saturday evening plans. Ben was already in tears by the time we got home from getting the takeout, yet we managed to eat dinner before he took off for the drive down town to his friend's apartment.

When Ben got back, it was after ten. His friend had fallen asleep, while Ben held his hand, after taking his anti-anxiety medicine, and Ben had confiscated all the drugs that had caused the crisis in the first place. Ben was still very upset, and he cried in my arms for a while, while I, shamefully, got aroused (I can't help but be turned on by a man's tears). Ben felt bad also that he'd "ruined" our evening, and felt a bit embarrassed at his tears.

On Sunday, we got up very late and had to spend the balance of the morning tidying up the place for the open house Ben's realtor had organized for the afternoon (Ben and I can't really start looking for our new house until he's sold his current house). Then we took the dogs with us in the car and met Ben and Stefan for brunch at Le Pain Quotidien in West Hollywood, before taking the dogs for a fairly long walk around West Hollywood. It was a gorgeous day, and I had visions of us taking our shirts off, walking hand-in-hand, and parading ourselves and the beautiful, big dogs along Santa Monica Boulevard. In reality, though, it was way too brazen a thing to do even for me, so it will have to remain a fantasy.

In the late afternoon, we went to a few open houses in the West Hollywood hills. Again, it was very encouraging. We saw two beautiful houses that were just at the very top end of our range of affordability. The last one, in particular, was gorgeous - a bi-level house whose floors through every room were lined with tiles removed from a 17th Century French chateau. The huge master bathroom had a large double shower lined with rock, dual sink/cabinetry combinations, and a bathtub on a raised dais next to the window, overlooking the canyon. Our eyes swam with the potential of living in such a beautiful, peaceful place. However, until Ben sells his house, we can't make any offers. But that house has been on the market for several weeks, so who knows, it may still be available when Ben's house is sold.

Back home, Ben called his parents in Singapore while I stripped down to my undies to do my abs. Okay, it was a little calculating of me, since I knew Ben would find me like that stretched out on the floor after his phone call, and sure enough, it had the desired effect: I only got half my abs workout done. We were due to meet up with the whole gang at the Abbey around nine, so we went out for a quick meal at The Stand in Encino, leaving us with about half an hour to kill before we had to head out. My nerves were killing me, since there was something important I wanted to discuss with Ben. But it was, I knew, going to be an extraordinarily difficult conversation for me. But I equally knew that if I didn't bring it up now, I'd only worry about it for the next week. I decided to get it over with.

So we sat on the bed, and I grasped his hand and told him that there was something I needed his help with, and that it was extremely difficult for me to admit to this problem, and that I wanted him to know that it was entirely my problem - that I didn't want to change him in any way. Even saying that was hard enough: I found myself close to tears (though I've never actually cried in front of Ben, and didn't this time either). But when it came to telling him what the problem was, I found it almost impossible. Every time I'd get to the point of saying it, I'd clam up, and groan. It felt so shameful to have the feelings I was trying to tell him about, and like such a huge admission of weakness. I finally was able to force it out, in a grating voice, after about ten minutes of effort. I told him how it felt (acute and sudden attack of terror), what stuff from my childhood I felt was coming up, and what I'd been doing to try to deal with it so far.

I don't think that I want to recount here what the actual problem was. But telling him was ultimately a huge relief. Although it was hard for him, at first, to understand, he got it in the end, and we agreed, together, on strategies to help me out with these feelings. I think just his knowing will help, since I will no longer feel so lonely trying to grapple with these feelings on my own. And despite my fears of looking weak, he asserted that he was glad I'd told him and that it helped him understand me better, and to bring us closer. Much like the previous night, when Ben had been embarrassed for his tears without reason, since far from making him seem weak, it reinforced my impression of him as a feeling, caring person, and it brought out my own protective, nurturing instincts.

I do feel that in my admissions to Ben, and our constructive attempts to come up with coping strategies, we were taking the adult way of dealing with the problem; the alternative would be for me to be wracked with these feelings, to possibly act out on them, and leave Ben in the dark about what the underlying issues were. This way, at least, I get a breathing space, someone who understands me, and the chance to grow and hopefully overcome the underlying issues. I'm really blessed in having such an understanding, kind man as a partner.

We did go out to the Abbey, eventually, and felt very close. We had a great time, chatting with friends old and new, and getting a bit tipsy. We even did a little bit dancing with our friend Lam, at the place next door ("Here"). After all the drama, it was a perfect way to unwind and finish the weekend.

Speaking of partnership, today I made my first major committment to the move down to LA . I'm working from Starbucks today (Ben will take me to Burbank airport tonight for the flight home), and took time off around noon to go to Ben's gym. Since I'm going to be here for a month starting next weekend, I decided it would make sense to buy a month's membership at the gym. But they offered me a great deal: $769 for three years, and I took them up on it. It's the first big step.