I've been tinkering with my long established routines recently. Primarily at the gym. I'd gotten used to working out three days a week, and my body was getting too comfortable. I tried doubling up my routine to see if I could work out each body part twice a week, but that was getting exhausting since it meant going six days a week, which gives the poor body no rest. So after advice from Cecilia, I've switched to going only four days a week, but going twice a day. The idea is to do two days on - first day: biceps a.m., then chest and triceps p.m, second day: legs a.m. then back and shoulders p.m. Then a day off, then repeat, then two days off.

Along with this, I've had to change my diet too, since I'd belatedly realized that my standard evening dinner of spinnach salad with chicken wasn't giving my body enough complex carbohydrates. So I've started stir frying pre-cooked brown rice along with vegetables and chicken.

I was on this new regime for just three days before I came down with strep throat, which ground everything to a halt. So I've spent the last three days watching movies, reading, trying to fix the dialog in my screenplay, and generally feeling pretty lousy and blue.

And I've spent too much time thinking about my feelings for the guy from Santa Cruz. He's the first guy I've really fallen for in a long time, and unfortunately the feelings are not returned. At least I don't think they're being returned. If it was concrete, black-and-white, I could just be unhappy about it and move on. But instead it's rather grey. We're supposed to get together this weekend. I think in his mind we're just friends who also have great, affectionate sex together. But part of me keeps on hoping that that friendship will grow into more.

I really thought I was past pining over somebody in this way. I feel I should just be able to enjoy the sexual friendship that we have for just what it is. Either that or tell the guy that we can't be friends because I want more. Instead I do neither, and make plans to spend time with him. It makes me feel so weak. But I've told myself I'll see him once more and then make a decision.

No sooner had I come to this conclusion, than the phone rang, and it was my friend from Santa Cruz calling to firm up plans for the weekend. Our conversation rang so false in my ears, and I realized with sudden clarity that I couldn't even see him that one time more under these false pretenses. So I told him out right that I didn't think we could be friends because I wanted more from him than friendship. And suddenly the load was off my back. Of course, my ego was bruised that he didn't even try to persuade me, and I'll probably always wonder what might have happened if I'd persisted, but right now I feel better.

Today, my sore throat is largely mended, and I expect to be back on my feet tomorrow, though still tired as a result of the antibiotics. I'll try to get back into my new regime at the gym, and try to shake off the melancholy that three days at home, sick alone has mired me in.