A Short Project for Screenwriting Class
THE PROBLEM WITH THE PLATITUDINOUS PREACHER
FADE IN
INT. –- TRAIN STATION –- DAY - FOGGY
The fog rolls thickly through main chamber of train station, obscuring tracks, which seem to radiate out at all angles, and hiding dim figures in distance. A faint HIGH-PITCHED VOICE can be heard mumbling over a tannoy.
STEEL, tall, lethal-looking, mid-forties, shaved head, addresses crafty CARD SHARK, platitudinous English PREACHER, and stupid MONKEY BOY.
steel
Look, guys, this fucking story stinks. If we don’t do something to change it, we’re all going off to the great place in the sky for deleted characters.
preacher
Well, if that’s Dougan’s will, I’m not at all sure that we shouldn’t just accept our fates.
card shark
Listen to him, would ya.
He mimics the preacher.
card shark (cont)
I’m not at all sure …
He raises a fist to the preacher.
CARD SHARK (cont)
You goddamn son of a bitch!
steel
Stop it Shark! Beating him up isn’t going to solve anything.
MONKEY BOY
Yeah, like, we should kill him!
steel
Jeez, what fucking morons!
preacher
I say, old boy, must you really swear so much?
steel
Sorry preacher, but I can’t help the way I talk. I’m Dougan’s alter-fucking-ego.
monkey boy
Still think we should kill him.
steel
Jeezus fucking Christ, leave the thinking to me! Listen up. We’re all of us at risk here. Dougan’s pen is merciless. You’d think I’m safe, wouldn’t you? Look at me. I’m a fucking fascinating character. A great big mix of the profane and the profound. But Dougan’ll toss me out along with the bathwater if it makes the story better. “Theme is everything”, he keeps saying. And, even worse, if he doesn’t toss you, he’ll change you. All of a sudden, you get a sex change. Or you’ll die a painful fucking death as part of the plot. So we need to work together. Now, the way I see it, we’ve got two problems. One is there’s no theme to this script.
He turns to the preacher.
STEEL (cont)
And the other? Sorry, Father, but you’re the other problem. You come off all fucking mealy mouthed. Every scene you walk into is all of a sudden movie of the fucking week.
monkey boy
Kill the mutha!
card shark
No wait! Rewind, rewind. What do you mean, no theme? The way I see it, it’s about the search for love in a violent world.
preacher
Well, I rather think it’s about finding a new soul.
steel
So you want to see me shot in the back of the fucking head like Lester Burnham in American Beauty? Careful preacher, or I might let the boys loose on you!
CARD SHARK
If you won’t let us touch him, then how we gonna fix the script?
steel
We’re not going to fix the script. We’re going to fix the preacher, but not in the way you think. Hey preacher, we’re going to teach you a new language.
card shark
Nuh uh. Won’t work. Only Dougan can do that.
steel
Want to bet? Let’s try. Preacher, say after me. You Lousy Mother Fucker of a Hoaring Bitch!
preacher
Well, I’m really not sure …
monkey boy
Just say the word, boss, and I’ll scrag him.
Preacher looks anxiously at Monkey Boy, then clears throat.
preacher
Well, okay. You … low Mother of Mary Related to a Female Animal.
card shark
See! So much for that!
steel
Well, do you have a better idea?
card shark
Yeah, I do. Look, he’s only supposed to be an extra. Look at his name “Platitudinous Preacher”. He shouldn’t even be mouthing off. So how about we step on his lines. If he mouths off, we pipe in. How about it?
steel
Well, it might work. But you’re missing one key thing. You two fucking losers are extras too. You got no fucking lines of your own to step on his with.
So it’ll have to be me, I guess. Saving the fucking world like a good Prometheus.
The tannoy suddenly gains in volume, and a high-pitched, mellifluous voice emerges.
dougan (os)
Steel, wanted, scene 2.
steel
Fuck.
He stalks off into the fog. The others look at each other.
card shark
Don’t look so scared boys. Think of it this way. If Dougan wanted to kill us off, he’d have done so already. Fact is, he’s calling on Steel. This is good!
preacher
My dear boy, but think! It’s Steel’s first scene. That can mean only one thing.
card shark
You mean …?
preacher
Yes. Either deletion or rewrite.
An extremely short object approaches out of the mist.
card shark
Who the hell are you?
steel
Who the fuck do you think I am. It’s me, Steel!
monkey boy
Duh, what happened, dude?
steel
What the fuck do you think? He rewrote me as a dwarf. Jeez, I lost three fucking feet in the blink of an eye.
preacher
I see he didn’t amend your language.
card shark
Woo hoo, a foul-mouthed, dwarf Prometheus!
Steel looks down at his feet.
card shark (cont)
Wait a minute. You’re not the Prometheus any more, are you?
steel
At least I still have a name, not like you fucking extras!
card shark
Ah ha, for now at least. Wait til the next rewrite. You’re going down, babe!
monkey boy
Hey, does this, like, mean we can kill the preacher?
card shark
Yeah! Best idea you’ve ever had! I don’t see that shriveled old dwarf stopping us.
Card Shark grabs the preacher, and forces him to the ground.
card shark
Hey, dwarf boy, come here. You jump on his head!
All three of them jump up and down heavily on Preacher, who remains, however, completely unharmed.
steel
See, I told you fucking losers. Only Dougan can take him out.
dougan (os)
Steel, Monkey Boy, Card Shark, you’re wanted. He he. You’re out, boys! Bottom of the drawer for you. You don’t work for this script – way too nasty!
Reluctantly, the nasty trio walk off into the mist.
dougan (o.s.)
Preacher, you’re wanted, scene two. You’re promoted three ranks – I need a new Prometheus. Gotta get rid of those platitudes though. Man, we got our work cut out! A preacher without platitudes. Now that’s interesting!