It's a good job I don't have a normal job. My boss lives in Atlanta, and I'm working on a project in New York which I'm gradually easing out of. So this week I've been able to keep up with email and the few work obligations I have left, while simultaneously running around town doing shopping, and getting ready for my task. On my trip home from Los Angeles, I began compiling a list of things to get done, and it quickly grew to over fifty items, most of which I've gotten done this week. It's very hard to pack for a four week trip abroad, particularly when you're going to four costume parties.

I got back the specially tailored sailor collars Ben and I are going to wear for the white party - I'd never dress like this anywhere apart from here in my journal (where I control all the camera angles), or on a cruise ship with several thousand gay men. Our other outfits are going to be similarly skimpy, I believe.

There are some moments where I find myself getting excited about the trip. Imagining waking up the first morning after the ship has departed from Venice. Ben is still asleep, and I go out on our verandah and a fresh sea breeze sets my skin tingling. There's nothing to see except an endless blue sea, and a fresh, early morning sky. I turn to go back into the cabin, and Ben is just waking up, and... well... you can guess the rest.

But mostly, I've either been too stressed out at the amount of preparations, or too depressed to get too excited. Yes, depressed. I realized today that I may have been depressed for several weeks without even quite realizing it. One clue was that I've been sleeping very badly again - waking up in the middle of every night, and finding it almost impossible to get back to sleep. But I can also recall that I've actually felt depressed most days when I'm home alone by myself. I haven't told Ben about this, of course.

The reason for my depression is my good old friend, insecurity. It's a unique situation I find myself in, in my life. I'm in love with a man whose love for me I'm totally sure of, in my rational mind. Yet I can never seem to quite believe it deep in my unconsciousness, and so I'm constantly questioning it. It nags away at me, even without my being aware of it. It ocurred to me today that left unchecked it could easily eat away at my feelings for Ben. Virtually the only time these nagging feelings depart are when I'm with Ben. I don't feel this is a very healthy situation, and I've been worrying about it a lot. I try to practice self-cognitive therapy, reminding myself of what a lovely man Ben is, and that he loves little old me. It helps for a while, but as soon as I start concentrating on something else, work, for example, the nagging depression sneeks back in. Obviously things can't continue this way. At least we're going away together for three weeks, starting this weekend, which should break the pattern for a good long while.