It's difficult for me to fully convey how bad the situation is that Ben has been pulled into, since I can't, fairly, give any specifics about who the person is (that is, the person causing the problems for Ben), what Ben's relationship is to this person, or what the nature of the crime is that this person is accused of. Even more difficult to convey is why the dynamics also make it peculiarly difficult for me.

So far, I've completely ignored my own needs, and I've done everythinng I can to be supportive to Ben, and offer him a strong pair of shoulders to cry on.

This would be a significant trial for any couple to go through, let alone for a couple who've only been together for a few months. Yet we seem to have weathered it until now, and have, if anything, been drawn more closely together. I've seen how strong he's been, and how caring (for his friend), and he's seen how supportive I've been. I've learned, too, about myself; about how giving I can be when I really care about somebody.

But I haven't told Ben how much this whole affair has affected me. I seem to have a built-in mechanism which causes me to sink into depression whenever things get rough emotionally. Yesterday, in particular, was rough, and ever since then, I've been feeling very blue. Yet because of what Ben is going through, I don't feel I can share with him that I'm feeling so down - I don't want to add to his worries.

There never seems to be a right way and a wrong way when it comes to relationships; it's all shades and nuances, with nobody to give you the definitively correct way to act. Was I right to totally subjugate my feelings, and provide total, unwavering support for Ben in his time of need? Or does that go too far; does it make it seem like I have no needs at all? I've so little experience with intimate, adult relationships. I'm always fearful that if little currents of behavior continue unremarked and unchecked, that they will grow into deep, impassable rivers of entrenched role-playing. So will the subjugation of my needs set up a pattern where Ben comes to believe either that I don't have any needs, or that I'm strong enough to deal with them on my own?

As I sat outside at Viceroy in Chelsea last night, on a warm, breezy, August evening, Ben called me, and we caught up on the events of the day. He sounded a lot calmer and more upbeat than he's been, so I did mention, just in passing, that I'd left work early that day because I'd been feeling kind of down; and that a run in Central Park had perked me up a little. Either I passed over it too lightly, or he didn't hear me, or he felt so involved in his own worries that he didn't have time for mine; but he didn't ask me how I felt now, or why I was down. And ever since then, that omission on his part has been eating away at me. I wanted to ask him about it. My hope is that he just didn't hear me. But if that's not the case, I fear it will be a sudden flaw in the mirror.