I arrived in New York Wednesday night for (hopefully) my last visit on this project. We're in the middle of yet another crisis, and things got worked up to such a fever pitch this week that I almost threatened to quit the damned project out of frustration. I allowed myself to get all worked up, and fired off a bunch of irate emails, and then fell into a depression for a day or two. But by Thursday morning, I was feeling calmer, and when I walked over to our customer's office on Seventh Avenue, it felt good that everybody was so welcoming; asking how I got my tan, and was I looking forward to my imminent, month-long, European vacation (which starts two weeks from tomorrow!)?

I'm hoping that my vacation will be my ticket off this project. The basic problem for me is that nothing happens unless I'm involved. If I'm not available over a weekend, then everything seems to fall apart, and nothing gets done. So my hope is that when I'm gone for a whole month, they'll have to learn to get along without me.

I'd been dreading coming to New York; the weather had been horribly humid here, or so I'd heard, and then there was the latest, trumped-up terrorist threat. But a cool front arrived at the same time I did; thursday was cool and overcast, and Friday was gorgeous - sunny, cool, no humidity - San Francisco style weather.

For the most part, all I've done since getting here is work and work out. I'm doing what's called "periodization" - a method of working out that varies the intensity over a week at a time: one week of reduced weights, to give the body a bit of a break; then one week of super heavy weights; and finally one week of normal intensity where you aim for twelve reps to failure. Right now I'm doing the super heavy weights for the first time, and working out twice per day for three days straight. It's hard to say how I suddenly became a more serious bodybuilder. I mean, I've been working out for seventeen years now, but it's only in the last year or so that I've really pushed myself. I suppose overcoming chronic fatigue syndrome is part of it.

On Thursday night, I went with Chris and his new boyfriend Ryan to see De La Guarda, a weird acrobatic, musical act performed over the heads of a standing audience. It was "Boy's Night", which meant the audience was mostly gay men, and the evening included a DJ and dancing. There is also lots of interaction from the cast, and you're periodically sprayed with water. It sounded like great fun. And at times, it was; one of the female performers went around stripping off the shirts of some of the men, including me. She even tried to pull my jeans down - good job she failed because I wasn't wearing underwear. But at $65 a ticket, the actual performance was a bit of a let down. The sight of men and women in fuddy-duddy clothing gliding around on ropes got a bit old towards the end. And Chris and Ryan kept hovering at the back of the crowd, so I had to wander off by myself, which kind of spoiled the fun. And seeing some hot guys writhing together while getting soaked with water made me sorely wish Ben was here to share the moment with.

This will be my first weekend without Ben since June, and I'm finding myself at a little bit of a loss. My usual weekend routines have been interrupted. What to do with myself? Well, I suppose, since I won't be going out dancing Saturday night as I usually do in New York, it at least means I'll have the energy to finally go to museums on Sunday.

Oh Lord, I've just received another call from poor Ben. He was weeping again. It just breaks my heart to know that he's so unhappy. He's been going through a crisis - or rather somebody very, very close to him has been going through a crisis. This person was diagnosed with a serious illness a few weeks ago, and subsequently went off the deep-end with drugs. And now he's in jail for a serious offense, which we all know he's incapable of, and Ben can't get the images of this person he cares deeply about being kept in a jail with twelve other men, without even a mattress, or toiletries. He hasn't been able to even speak to him. Ben is such a caring person, and it's tearing him apart to know his friend is in such a perilous, degrading, lonely situation. He's hoping to see him tomorrow.

I just looked up fares on Jet Blue - I'm strongly tempted to fly down there tomorrow morning, instead of staying in New York through Wednesday (I'm supposed to be going to LA on Thursday anyway). I know it's crazy, but I feel that Ben needs me right now. What to do. Sometimes I don't have the courage of my convictions. I'm not the kind of person who can just do something like that, and know it's the right thing to do, everybody be damned.