What I didn't say in Thursday's journal - and, on reflection, this is probably why I waffled on inanely about my colleagues Jeff, Regina and Mark - is that I was feeling very depressed that day; in fact, the most depressed I've felt in months.

I'm not sure why I felt that way, but I decided that I wouldn't tell my therapist about it when I saw her that evening. Stupid huh? Especially stupid considering how intuitive Erika is; within five minutes of my arrival she'd asked me something that forced me to reveal how depressed I'd been feeling. I say "forced" because I'm helplessly drawn to answer questions honestly, if put to the spot.

So we talked about it for a while, and, before long, I became aware that I was no longer feeling quite so unhappy. We talked about a time in my life when I remember being particularly happy. What distinguished that time from other periods of my adulthood was that there was so much "play" in my life. Contrasting that with the now; I almost never allow myself just to be. I've always got to be either making progress on all the various goals I'm chasing, or, if I'm too tired for that, then I'll be watching a movie or reading. But never just sitting there doing nothing, never appreciating peace, or staring up at the clouds.

I don't remember the last time I went for a walk, just for the sake of going for a walk. And yet I used to do that all the time when I lived in Philly. The only time I ever have to myself just to let my mind roam free is when I go running, which is probably why I enjoy it so much.

Everytime that I think to myself something like "Gee, it's so beautiful - I should go lie in the sun", I think, "No, I've too much to do to allow myself luxuries like that".

I need to give myself a break, I think.

So I'm going to do just that, and let myself have some playtime now and then. With my infernal, driven, regularized nature, I'm likely to be tempted to schedule this playtime:

I think I need to see a therapist :)

When I came out after our session, I felt in much better spirits. Erika lives in such a beautiful, peaceful, hillside neighborhood - it always makes me feel good to be there. This is going to sound glib, but I looked up and noticed the stars, and how brightly they shone.