I wasn't going to write about this so soon. It just seemed to me that anything I could say would be superfluous. But I received a few emails from people who wrote that they'd come to my site wondering what I'd say about the events of the last two days, and I realized that in times like this people want to hear words, however superfluous. They want to feel some hint of strength through sharing common sentiment. The same reason why I read the editorials in yesterdays New York Times. I knew exactly what those editorials would say, but I wanted to hear in them an echo of my own feelings.

Tuesday morning started for me like any other morning. I made some coffee, switched on the computer, got online. I was going to start writing a new journal entry. The subject was to be something I've been thinking a lot about lately - the way in which I bury my own feelings and emotions.

Suddenly, though, I received an ICQ instant message. Normally I ignore instant messages. I mean, so many people have my ICQ number that if I started to take notice of instant messages I'd be swamped. But as I moved to close the instant message window, part of my mind noticed something like "Watch the news!" It didn't immediately register, but when it did, I flicked on the TV to see a split screen on CNN of a distant shot of the World Trade Center smoking with holes in each tower, and the reports of a fire at the Pentagon.

At first, I didn't realize how serious it was. I thought maybe there was a fire at the Trade Center, but I knew how strong those towers were. Then CNN replayed the video of the airliner flying into the second tower, and my heart went into my mouth.

I continued to watch throughout the day with a feeling of complete unreality. I didn't speak to anybody, apart from calling Brett and Cecilia to make sure they knew about the news, and responding to emails from my worried family (they know I travel a lot). It wasn't until late afternoon that I could tear myself away from CNN. I went running in the late afternoon. It was unbelievably quiet outside. In the area of the city where I live, it's usually pretty quiet on a Sunday, but never this eerily quiet.

Like I was about to write in my journal that morning, I'm not an emotional person. Or, at least, I'm not readily in touch with my emotions. But even yesterday morning, I still felt as if I was in a state of shock. On the surface, a sort of numbness; underneath swirling grief and sadness, not quite breaking through.

I was very touched by another email I received:

hi keith

you don't know me. i live in isreal. iv'e been reading your journal for some time now on and off. i just want to say that i am really shocked and sad at the unbelivable attack that hurt your country so much. and the all world with it. i hope you have no friends cought up in the wtc.

my heart goes out to you and your fellow country men.

god bless

I also felt an extreme anger. Part of me sincerely thought we should go bomb the shit out of Kabul. But then I thought of my friend from Afghanistan. He's one of the nicest, kindest people I've ever met. I haven't talked with him, but I can visualize the look of pain on his face. I wrote to him yesterday because I knew that, as an Afghan in the Bay Area, he and his family would likely receive some kind of intimidation in the next few days. He wrote back with information that was new to me:

Loss of innocent lives is tragic for any decent human being. The suffering for Afghan- Americans is multi-pronged. Things have been hard for Afghans for a long time. The same people who are responsible for the recent tragic events are probably the same people who have "hi-jacked" the entire country of Afghanistan. Taliban are not Afghans; they are a trained group of terrorists from around the world who have destroyed most of Afghanistan in the past 10 years and are using Afghanistan as a base for their evil deeds. I hope we have finally woken up and support the people inside Afghanistan who are struggling to rid their nation of these evil terrorists.

I'm horrified that people can be so short-sighted as to exact a people's revenge against innocent Muslims in their own communities. There have been stories of this kind of behavior across the country. I'm dissapointed that the President hasn't returned to TV to use his position to discourage this behavior. I mean, have people nothing to learn fom history - the way we treated Japanese-Americans during the Second World War, and our feelings of collective guilt about that now.

(Note: at 8.07 a.m. PST, the President, in a live conf call with Guiliani and Pataki, did exactly that - exhort Americans not to react against Arab-Americans and Muslims.)

When I walked to work yesterday, I was extremely touched by the sight of so many American flags at half-mast. I was also amazed how many people I saw laughing and smiling as they went about their business. I just didn't feel able to return to normal like that.

When I arrived at work, I just shut my office door. I didn't want to talk to anybody. It wasn't until after eleven that Bob, the project manager I mostly work with, knocked with a question about the customer I'm working with on and off. Neither of us even mentioned the affairs of the day before - it just seemed unnecessary;, and more, there was a fear, at least on my part, of expressing emotion.

People keep saying that this is all like a terror movie. I can see that - at various times I've thought of the recent "Godzilla" movie, or "Independence Day." But, in reality, it's much worse than that, because even terror movies have happy endings, and so far there is no sign of a happy ending here.

I'm sure that all of us feel a great sense of sorrow and sympathy for the people who've lost family and friends. We can only hope that out of all of this horror, something good will eventually come. Indeed, I already feel that something good has come: a new sense of unity and solidarity amongst politicians, nations, and even ordinary people is becoming apparent. I don't know how long this will last, but it's refreshing to see.