Here I am in my magnificently decorated office, 10.42 a.m. I've been here for only ten minutes, and I've already dealt with all my official business for the day. Yes, I'm in another down cycle, where I've no work to do. Most people would rejoice at this. I'm fed up. If you're sick of hearing me moan about my job, then I suggest you stop reading right now! :)

The truth is, ever since I got back from my trip, I've had the feeling that I'm at something of a crossroads. Never have I felt so down about my job. Yet, at the same time, I'm excited about the future, on account of the course in Film Production I've signed up for, part-time, at City College. Since I hate my job, I'm tempted to figure out a way to only work part-time so that I can spend more time on the film work. That's what I mean about a crossroads.

Oh veh. I've lost track of the number of different minds I'm in right now. Should I keep my job because, unlike the vast majority of well-paying jobs out there, it gives me plenty of free time (this moment, for example)? Should I ramp up my job search? Should I stop considering jobs that would require relocation, because that would interfere with the film studies? Or should I find a part-time job, and see if I can't supplement my income through my website?

I don't know. It seems that every six months or so I start to feel this sort of anxiety and restlessness. What's valid, and what's just self-manufactured to keep me from feeling bored ... or even worse, to keep me feeling anxious because somehow deep inside that's how I like things? Help, I want my Mommy :)

At any rate, the stress of feeling this way has left me frequently irritable. I find myself getting particularly annoyed at inanimate objects, objects which refuse to bend immediately to my will. Clothes hangers, product packaging. The last day or two I've consciously tried to practice feeling calm and peaceful, and clamp down on my angry reactions to these stupid, helpless objects. Think Zen, Zen, Zennnnnnnnnn....

I wonder if this is why I've lost weight. I was shocked, the other day, when I had my first work-out with Cecilia since my vacation, and I weighed myself to find myself ten pounds lighter than I was a month earlier. Not many people return from vacation in England and France (France!) having lost weight!

In fact, I think the weight came off largely because of the change in diet I began a few weeks ago. Out with protein-bars, in with fruit, low-fat cheese and wholegrains. Physically, I feel better than I have done in a long while. What's more, last night I did twelve pull-ups! They're easier now that I only have to pull up 190lbs of body instead of 200 :)

On Tuesday, I went over to City College for the first time, to complete the rather confusing registration process. I wasn't sure if I needed to "matriculate" or not. In fact, I wasn't even sure what matriculation was! I found City College on a long, wind-swept avenue in a part of town near the Southern end of the city that I wasn't at all familiar with. In the early evening fog, the deserted campus was not a pretty site, with it's ageless, ugly, institutional buildings.

I got in line to meet with a counsellor, and cast my eyes down the line of waiting people. Mostly kids; mostly poor kids, by the look of things. I began to feel a little question in the back of my mind; am I doing the right thing? Maybe I should be paying several thousand dollars per semester and taking courses at U.C. Berkeley, or UCSF instead? (City College is less than $100 per semester for me). It will be interesting to attend my first class and see if there are any other people of my age; anyone else with a job!

My first class. Oh Lord, it's the same week when my &*$%^ job is sending me once more to our headquarters in the south. So I'll miss the first week of classes. I've already written an anxious letter to the faculty begging them not to give my place away to someone else (because that's what they frequently do if you're a no-show on the first week). But, talk about bad timing. This is, perhaps, yet another reason why I should quite my job? :)