This will probably be my last journal entry before I arrive in England next Wednesday. It's been rather hectic the last few days since I got over my cold. The weekend was predictably drab. Thick with cold, all I could do was lie around, drink tea, and feel hot and sweaty. When I'm sick, I always follow a routine of complete rest, with no exposure to cold. In practice this means no showers, no work, no stepping outside, no open windows. By Monday morning, I was tired of drinking tea, and watching bad movies ("Black Widow" with Debra Winger, and "Battlefield Earth") on the TV, but I was starting to feel better, at least.

By Tuesday, I was back in full swing, and I suddenly realized how much I had to do to get ready for my trip. Cancel the newspaper, explain to my Chinese cleaning lady that I wanted her to skip a fortnight and that no I wouldn't pay her not to come, buy some currency, prep my laptop, and so on.

The problem was that this also coincided with a peak period at work. My project starts its implementation stage this morning. What this means is that all the weeks of careful documentation and design have led up to the work we'll start today. Now we know exactly what it is we have to do at our customer's site, and we go in today and start to write the code, and test each piece of code as we write it. It's more or less like painting by numbers at this stage, since we put so much work into the design and test-plan. But it does mean that I'll be working full-time, day-long at our customer's site for the two remaining work days before Brett and I fly out on Tuesday morning.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading about diet recently. For the first time in a couple of years, I've found it difficult to keep fat off my stomach, and I've been taking a close look at my diet and asking questions. I came to the conclusion that I'm probably over-eating (in an effort to make sure I get enough calories to sustain my exercise regime), as well as eating too many processed foots (particularly protein bars).

So I've junked the protein bars. This is a radical step for me, since I've relied on them for quite a while now to fill the hunger gaps between meals. Instead, I make up a tupperware container each day to get me through lunch and snacks. I make myself a whole-grain sandwich with chicken pieces, low-fat cheese and tomatoes, and I pack a whole-grain bagel with cheese, and an apple, maybe some grapes, and some cottage cheese. I've been following this for less than a week now, but already I've noticed one big change - I feel better. So far this week, no incidence of that awful fatigue thinngy I've had for the last few months.

...Which is kind of weird. I started to feel the fatigue thinngy when I was in my early twenties, and have had it off and on since then. But it's only been the last couple of years where I've eaten protein bars. So I don't at all think it's the protein bars that caused the fatigue; although I admit it could have been a component. The body is a mysterious thing.

I also saw my doctor last night for the last time, about the fatigue. I say the last time because he's finally had to admit that he can't tell me why I get so fatigued. He's run out of possibilities, and has referred me to a quack (otherwise known as a doctor of alternative medicine).

After our consultation, I asked him if he thought it was inevitable that a guy of my age would probably start to gain a little bit of fat on his stomach. And he said, in effect, get used to it.

I hate facing the idea of growing older. It's hard for gay men, and I'm no different. To put false modesty aside, I know that when I walk into a room, I attract stares. People make eye contact, and smile at me on the subway. Shop-assistants single me out for special treatment because of my looks. And all that becomes a part of your life. The idea of losing that is hard to deal with. I could also mention some deeper reflections I've had about learning to love myself, but I'm not prepared to be quite that open here.

But as my doctor said, and, as I'm sure some of you are thinking ... get used to it Keith!

Anyway, see you from the other side of the Atlantic next Wednesday!