Today marks the one year anniversary of my online photo journal, in addition, of course, to being the last day before my trip.

I'm lucky that I will have this journal to look back on. If html and jpgs don't go out of style, there's no reason I won't be able to look back on this journal in twenty years and remember what I was up to. No doubt my older, hopefully wiser, self, will be amused by my mid-thirties naivety :)

The journal has certainly changed in style over the year. I started off feeling that I had to record my day-to-day activities. That was fine for a while, but there were only so many times I could take photos while running, or ask friends to pose over the dinner table. So I've taken to writing mostly on single events, or on issues that preoccupy me, except when I'm traveling, of course, when there are so many new experiences that attract the eye of the camera - and of the mind.

You know, I began the journal as a means to try to connect more with visitors to my website - to show the life of a normal, sane, average gay guy, with the same problems as everyone else. But it's grown into much more than that for me personally, as it's forced me to think things out much more clearly, and therefore to learn about myself. That learning is also accentuated when my journal is placed into the context of your email responses to my journal - I get to see an immediate feedback. That feedback hasn't always been a pleasant experience, but it's always been valuable.

Most recently, the episode with Don, the guy who I wrote about dying of cancer. I hate to admit this, but it turns out that I was duped - the guy didn't die. I still can't say I've decided in my mind what the whole truth was. Don says that some of his relatives were the culprits. But whatever the story was, it was a very nasty hoax which also impacted another email penpal, who got pulled in on account of his kind nature. The end of it all was that I'm no longer in communication with either of them, mostly by my choice. It taught me that I can allow myself "thus far and no further" into the lives of people I meet only through email, since understanding someone through email is like trying to appreciate a painting by only a verbal description.

I've realized that I'm looking for meaning in life, and that it's okay to be doing so.

I've realized that I'm not likely to find a life partner, and I've accomodated myself to that.

I've realized I'm not a bad writer, after all.

I've realized that I can't expect everyone in cyberspace to like me (although I still hate receiving nasty emails!)

I've come to terms more with my sexual identiy - the carnal and the intellectual mix more freely on my page than I'd have ever thought possible.

I've realized that despite my frequent inability to bond emotionally with people I meet, I do have a drive somewhere inside me to do good, and to leave more positive in the world than negative, and that some of this positive is created simply and elegantly (through a mysterious alchemy) by my just writing honestly in this journal.

I hope my two month trip changes me also. Travel never fails to change me, in some way. I always get a fresh and new perspective, even if it's just a business trip to somewhere like Arkansas. What will six weeks in my birth country do to me? The most time I've spent there at a stretch in twelve years has been two weeks. Will I feel at home, or will I feel like a stranger? I can't wait to find out.

I hope I'll resist the temptation to feel I have to be constantly doing things. I want to spend time just being, and feeling the breeze on my skin. One of the happiest memories of my early teen years is that of lying on the grass overlooking the cliffs along the North Sea, a summer breeze ruffling my hair, resting my head on my panting collie-lab mongrel Sheba, watching the clouds, feeling absolutely at peace. I plan to go to that spot again - minus the dog, of course.

I'm a lucky guy being able to go off for two months like this. Glad y'all can come along with me, even if it's only through my experiences filtered into a daily photo journal. Let's have fun! Next stop London (for one day) then Rome!

I'll miss this, but I've got it all to look forward to coming back to after my trip.