Working out by myself at the gym the other day, I was listening to a great album by Erasure called, simply, "Erasure". With Erasure, I think that one of the reasons the great rythyms, sweet and singable melodies, and romantic lyrics are particularly touching is because you know the lyricist/lead singer is gay.

The one song that made by heart beat with longing was called " Rock Me Gently":

And I dream you're with me
You hold me sweetly
And rock me gently to sleep
In your arms.

I think there's a very subtle but profound effect that the lack of positive gay images in our media has on us - straight people, after all, grow up with a wealth of cultural imagery showing them how to relate, and the pleasures of love. Admittedly, a lot of this is unrealistic in movies and television - lovers confront fundamental issues between them then surmount them ever so easily by the power of love. It's not that easy, and I think that the false expectations cast by broadcast media lead a lot of people to be disillusioned with reality.

But I'm getting slightly off my subject (as usual :) My point was that gay people don't get those cultural messages, which, of course, contributes to our internal homophobia. That's why songs like those by Erasure mean so much to me - they show us positive imagery of what love can be like between two men.

When I was in the depths of my first relationship, with Shawn, in the late 80s, I bought a new album by Erasure, and a line in one of the songs, which went: "I place a kiss in the small of your back" meant so much to me. Even now, when I hear that song, I relive instantly those pangs of young, earnest love.

Cecilia has started going to Los Angeles for training every other weekend, which means I'm on my own at the gym more frequently. Unfortunately, too, she has a definite, fixed eye on relocating to that particular pit of sin (grin) sooner or later, so I have half an eye out for a new trainer.

In any event, what it means for the moment is that I'm more frequently working out by myself, which gives me more time to look around and people watch. It's always instructive (since I'm such a lousy flirter) to watch other guys check each other out, and meet. One of the qualities I like least in myself is the tendency to judge what is different. I find myself, before I can stop it, looking down on guys who are obviously just making eyes at each other so that they can get their rocks off. Being holier than thou is not an attractive quality. Being such an introspective, I try to argue against myself. After all, even though these guys are just after a sexual contact, even one-night stands, as I've experienced many times myself, can involve affection and tenderness. But something tells me that most gay men don't look for that in their sexual contacts - they're mostly just looking for bam-bam. But even there, I'm not exactly inexperienced. AYYY - it's too easy to judge! But, at the same time, it's hard to keep your mind from running into its well-worn channels.

All this verbiage, and no pics! Okay, here's one I played around with to illustrate a point:

All this time, I've been an android, and I never told you!

Well, not really. But I feel sometimes like I'm the father of two petulant, bratty kids - my desktop computer and my laptop. Lately, they've required an awful lot of babysitting. My laptop wouldn't boot up properly for a week. I've been waiting for a call from Quantex Technical Support but yesterday, on a whim, I tried it, and it worked! This morning, however, the screen wouldn't even light up for a while! Then take my desktop. I spent a couple of hours trying to get it to recognize my CD-burner, but it stubbornly refused to recognize the burner's existence. In exasperation, I tried my old tape drive, which I didn't think worked. I was right, the tape drive doesn't work, but now, all of a sudden the CD burner was being recognized! See what I mean about feeling like these computers are kids? And they both take after their horrible, ugly mother - Microsoft.

The lovely slow time I've been experiencing at work recently is going out of the window. I was lingering here at home on Friday morning, thinking about going into the office (it was 9.00 a.m. :), when I called into my work voice mail to make sure I wasn't missing a meeting. Two urgent voice-mails - my new project was starting up with a vengeance, and I had to scramble to get into work, pick up some paperwork, and tear off down Highway 101 to the awful suburbia of San Mateo, to meet with our customers. I'm going to be going there almost daily for the next three weeks. It was pouring with rain, so it wasn't a pleasant drive. But I got there just in enough time to shove down a couple of unappetizing tuna sandwiches, which I ate in my Jeep in the parking lot of a truly ugly (but unfortunately representative) strip mall.

Tuna hell - in a strip mall parking lot

Speaking of tuna, Saturday should have been a great day. But I slept badly, woke up on the wrong side of bed, and felt weak and tired all day. It didn't help that my butt was aching from yesterday's hard leg workout. My darned computers continued to play up and that kept me busy until around 2.00 when I suddenly realized I hadn't had lunch! It's rare for me to miss a meal without my stomach letting me know. I drove around in the drizzle, trying to find parking in the Castro so that I could grab a big, healthy brunch at Baghdad Cafe. I was too hungry to try for long, when no parking space opened up in the first five minutes, so I drove back down Market Street looking for inspiration. Because I was tired and hungry I decided suddenly to treat myself, and parked at Safeways to buy stuff to make my special tuna melt sandwiches!

I used to eat these every weekend - in fact, frequently, I'd have two for Saturday breakfast, and two more for Sunday. This was BD, of course - that is, "Before Diet". But a splurge once in a blue moon isn't going to hurt too much - besides, I'll run it off tomorrow, right? :)

Here's how you make 'em: you need a toasted sandwich maker. Mine is a handy metal thingy that fits in my commodious Rowenta toaster. Butter up four slices of bread - then make two sandwiches from them, but with the buttered side facing OUT! Lots of tuna, salad, then fresh slices of extra-sharp cheddar cheese, and a few squirts of ketchup. In the sandwich maker, five minutes - and you've got two delicious tuna melts! By tradition, I always eat these with a glass of orange juice. Those are the same glasses I've had since I was in grad school; I haven't graduated to adult possessions like nice glassware - in fact I don't even own pots or pans! But I do have a fabulous toasted sandwich maker!

Tuna heaven!

But then a little guilt set in. Not enough guilt, mind you, to prevent me from doing more tuna melts tonight (I've been thinking about them all day!) I'm joking, actually about the guilt. But I did finally buy some bathroom scales, since I'm finding it difficult to find the right balance between eating too much, in order to support my intense workouts, and not eating enough considering my running schedule. I want to gain, very gradually, just a few pounds. The handy device I bought even runs a small electric current through you to estimate your body fat! Weight: 190, body-fat 12%.

John, my friend with whom I play tennis regularly, bent forth his formidable organizational powers and arranged a group dinner and tickets for Cirque du Soleil last night. He had us all very well trained - a series of pre-event emails meant that we all already had each other's bios, not to mention having the menu memorized, before we all met, at 6.05 on the nose, at Gordon Biersch for dinner! Being an organized soul myself, I appreciated that. The odd thing is that John is, I think, of Mexican heritage, a country not exactly noticed for time-keeping! Dinner was nice, and I was fortunate enough to sit across from the two most fun people in our group - a lesbian couple who work in politics in Sacramento. For Americans, they were suprisingly witty :)

I've never been much of a one for circuses, but calling Cirque a circus is like calling the Halleluha Chorus a ditty. Such athleticism, beauty, color. Even the clowns were athletic! And one guy in particular reminded me of that line from "Absolutely Fabulous" - "Buns so tight he was bouncing off the ceiling!"

Our crowd at Cirque du Soleil

I was incredibly tired when I got home. My own boney buns were aching from Friday's leg workout, and I just collapsed into bed. But did I sleep? Nah. I was still awake at two, as the rain beat against the window - another night where I finally drifted off late in a melatonin fug.

Late at night, reading myself to sleep. How did I take this photo, you're wondering :)