I cannot sleep, which is why I'm writing at this ungodly hour. I should say, rather, that I can't get back to sleep since I slept fine from around 11.30 until 4.30. Every now and then circumstances conspire (in my life at least - don't know about yours) to "throw me for a loop." (Is that the correct phrase? - sometimes, even after eleven years in this country, I get my Americanisms wrong.)

What I mean is that usually two or more issues in my life converge to throw me into a state of mental revolution, where I want to overturn the constitution, throw out the government, and begin a new order. Before the forces of the CIA converge on me, I should clarify that I'm talking about a revolution of my mind, not the state :)

It was a revolution of this kind that led me to develop a website. Less than a year ago, I took a trip to Brussels for New Year's Eve, to stay with a very good friend of mine, Michel. Michel is a person of very decided opinions, and I'm sure that he'd be very judgemental of my now being an online journalizer , even though it was him who inadvertently put me in the train of thought that led to me starting up the site. But, it happens that Michel and I are no longer friends due to the same series of events.

Looking back on the whole thing it seems so trivial as to hardly bear recounting. He and his ex boyfriend Evert (who I also knew fairly well), had organized a day trip to Brughes for the three of us. Brughes is, apparently a top tourist site in Europe and it seemed to mean a lot to them that I see it and fall in love with it. The night before, it had been a Flemish religious holiday, and we'd spent it at Evert's new boyfriend's posh apartment in Antwerp eating a thoroughly unappetizing traditional meal of three different types of baked pastries. As a result, on the morning of our trip to Brughes, I had a terribly upset stomach. Once we reached Brughes, just about the only parts of the city I became acquainted with were the restrooms! And, due to the constant diahorrea, I felt drained and totally lacking in energy. They'd wanted us to make another trip to Antwerp that night, to a club, but due to how I felt, we ended up leaving Brughes early and going back to Brussels. In their eyes, the whole day had been a big disappointment. In my eyes, it had been a horribly uncomfortable day I'd just as rather forget. But I didn't expect them to resent me for it.

There were other events which added to this one led to Michel becoming convinced in his mind that he and I were so fundamentally different that we were incapable of fully understanding each other and maintaining our friendship. In his eyes, I was a "selfish American", only thinking about myself. One night, he just laid it all out in the open, how he felt. While a lot of what he told me I thought was unfair, there were some elements of truth. It was one of those nights when you look at yourself cooly and appraise what's there and decide that something needs changing.

So when I got back from Brussels, I was intent on change, and new ideas, new things. For one thing, I was unsatisfied with my body - there'd developed a layer of fat over the last couple of years that I didn't care for, but had felt powerless to deal with until now. So I decided to take up running. And for another thing, that kind of revolutionary attitude made me much less reserved than normal, and more likely to be forward. I wrote to a guy whose online journal I came across, and asked him out on a date. And that led to my getting the bug, and ... here I am ten months later!

How did I get onto this hobby horse - oh yes, the process of change, and disatisfaction with the status quo. I'm in that state again right now. Over the past few months, due to a combination of fatigue, too much travel, and a minor depression, I've allowed myself to become too much of a hermit. And it's time to change, or at least attempt to change. I sometimes mentally cringe when I hear others saying that they've reached a personal watershed and intend to change, since I've seen myself how easy it is to recognize the need to change but then fail to do anything about it. Nevertheless, I'm ready to make a fool of myself and try to purposefully open myself up to being more social and interactive. Going on that bike ride with colleagues from work was a start. A large part of me was looking for excuses not to go. But I need to stop nursing my introversion as much as I've been doing.

There are other things I feel I need to change in my life - I want to get involved in politics in some small way, since I'm becoming increasingly interested in it. I'd like to find a way to volunteer, too, for something I believe in. But enough of all this introspection for one night - is anybody even still with me? :)

Tuesday 16th November 1999, 8.45 p.m. PST .

Yesterday was not a fun day. I'd gotten a phone message overnight, Sunday night, which I didn't hear until Monday morning since I'd had the phone switched off. It was a message that really made me think about what I'm doing with this journal - the implications of mentioning my friends in the journal, and the effect of the whole website on someone I might date. It just sent my mind into overdrive and I spent the whole day tossing it over. I was also very tired, and when I got to the airport for my afternoon flight to Irvine, I was looking forward to a relaxing First Class flight, and an early evening in my hotel bed. But the damned flight was delayed by over two hours, and I spent a tired three hours in the Admiral's Club at the airport. At least I got almost caught up with email - only a week behind now :)

At least everything else went smoothly once I was airbound. A comfortable flight, apart from the ditzy off-duty flight attendant catching a flight home sitting next to me. I think she was upset that I wasn't responding to her feminine charms, so she kept interrupting me as I read "Vanity Fair". At one point she even pointed to a photo of a sexy girl in an advertisement, and said that she was the model. I just looked at her and said "I don't think so". and that shut her up! Once at the airport, I picked up my tiny little rental car and tried to find the exit from the parking garage. There was even a helpful sign that said "Check headlights! On - nighttime, off - daylight!" I'm not kidding!

So I rolled into the hotel around 9.30 or so. Not long after I checked in, an older, elegant Scottish woman burst in! Somehow, she'd been given a key to my room! There are two beds in my room after all :) She departed politely, however, and didn't return.

Of all the hotels I've stayed at over the last six months, this is one of my favorites - it's quiet, elegant, well run, beautifully landscaped, nicely architected.

Hotel room collage

I slept fitfully, as I mentioned earlier, still tossing a lot of stuff around in my mind. My mood had picked up, however, due to a phone conversation I'd had shortly after checking in. If I'm sounding mysterious it's because I've come to the decision not to write about someone I'm dating without their explicit permission - it's just ... too complicated. Suffice it to say that romance may be about to reenter my life. I did get back to sleep though, around 6, and shot out of bed at 8.15 concerned that I was going to be late for training. It was a cool but sunny Fall Southern California morning.

The class is an interesting one, and on a subject on which I have strong opinions. It's not, however, a subject likely to interest anyone outside of the software industry, so I'll spare you the details. No matter how interesting the class, though, I'm prone to fall asleep in it! So lunchbreaks are important. I spent mine back at the hotel, catching up with work email and tucking into room service's signature caesar salad with grilled steak.

The afternoon was more of the same. By five, it was dark already, sadly - all those who dislike the early hours of winter, raise your hands. But before it got dark, I took some panoramic shots of Orange County from the classroom window. That canal you can see going through the picture is the San Diego creek, along which I went running last time I was here.

The panorama looking out into the Valley of Conspicuous Consumption :)

Once I'd worked out and gone running on the treadmill, I was quite wiped out, as I often seem to be on these trips. I spent the evening either trying to read my work email, which took an eternity via the internet interface, or, again, on the phone. But now, it's bed for me.