There are times when I don't know how forthcoming to be in this journal. In fact sometimes I think nobody even reads it so I could say anything I want! I could test that hypothesis easily - I'm a transexual. There, if anybody responds, I'll know someone is reading this :)

Most of my entries here are what I'd call light and fluffy, maybe giving the impression that I float through life untouched by negativity. I wish that were true. It ain't, but the reason I don't write about that stuff is that it would be too easy for this journal to descend into endless introspection.

Nevertheless, a balance is called for, otherwise what's even the point of the journal in the first place. Some of the greatest fulfilment I've gotten from this website has been the occasional realization that something I've written has resonated in someone else's experience. Someone's read my words and thought to themselves, "Wow - I thought I was the only one who felt that way."

My reason for this philosophical humming and hawing today, in particular, is just that I started feeling depressed again this week. And rather than pretend it isn't there, I felt I should mention it, mainly so that a true impression of my little world is out there, rather than a falsely rosy one. I've wrestled with depression on and off for years. Mostly off, for the last two or three years, but it occasionally returns. It takes the form of a dark, almost physical heaviness that seems to descend through my head as I go through the day. Monday morning, I woke up and I was immediately aware of it, and it's been with me all week. I do believe, however, that I'm getting better at coping with it when it comes. I know, from repeated experience, that it will go away eventually, and that it comes from a physiological imbalance. This helps me look at it as just another part of life, rather than something that I should surrender to and wallow in. Anyway, I'm not going to mention it again until this spell of depression lifts.

Other things have been a challenge this week too. My laptop, only five months old, is literally coming apart at the seams. Not one week after I'd bought it, it slipped out of my bag and fell heavily on the sidewalk, splitting the casing on one of the back corners. It's worked fine, up until now, despite that. But now, the casing is really starting to come apart, and the laptop is really not transportable anymore. So I'm faced with sending it in for a, no doubt, expensive repair. I had to deal with this, and another pesky computer problem all yesterday evening. I'd installed Windows 98's "Personal Web Server" on the laptop, and once I rebooted, Windows 98 would no longer start up! So I spent the entire evening on the phone with the technical support department of the people who made my laptop, resolving that problem, and arranging to send in my laptop to have its casing repaired. Sometimes, I absolutely abhor computers!

On Monday night, I finally got my haircut again, after five weeks, and I decided to go for a complete change. It's taking some getting used to. The next day, I accidentally caught site of myself in the mirror and almost failed to recognize myself!

I've been contemplating for a while how to deal with the suddenly dark evenings and my running schedule. It's now too dark to really enjoy running outside after work. For a while, I couldn't decide: should I run before work, should I switch to the treadmill at the gym? In the end, I decided to experiment with going running from my office in the middle of the afternoon. The main problems with this are that we don't have showers in my building, and that it's smack in the middle of the Financial District. But it turned out well - it was interesting to go running through some of the older streets underneath Telegraph Hill, and then out onto the Embarcadero.

And apart from this, not too much else to talk about. Work is temporarily boring again, but I have plenty to occupy my mind with. I've even started to get some interesting responses to my personals ad. There's one guy in particular ... well, maybe I should wait until I've met him before allowing my heart to beat a little more quickly :)